We all have these difficult conversations daily. At times they are part of our work and at times they are part of our personal lives but there are conversations which are very difficult and there are always some people with whom all conversations are difficult. Some conversations are so difficult that we find ways and means to avoid them to the maximum possible. Am sure this sound familiar to all of us.
In today’s fast moving disruptive world where things and situations are changing very fast there is no option to run away from having these difficult conversations. So am sure it would help us all if we could find ways of breaking down these conversations so that there in a better method to doing them more effectively.
Some of the common challenges that we face in these difficult conversations at our own level are as below.
- There is a gap between what you are thinking and what you are really saying.
- Your mind is too distracted by how to really handle this conversation that you are not able to really focus totally on the conversation going on.
- You are not sure what is okay to share and what’s not ok to share which holds you back from being your normal self.
- And you yourself know that saying whatever you are thinking might not really help get the difficult conversation achieve the desired results for which you are aiming for.
Everything that we think, say, or feel as part of a difficult conversation falls into the below three categories and these three categories are integral for any conversation that we consider difficult.
- The “what happened part” of the conversation?
This is a part of every difficult conversation about what has happened or what would have happened or what could have happened. Another part of such conversation which falls under this category is about who said what and who did what, who did right and who really put the entire planned schedule offtrack.
A lot of what happened also plays out internally in our minds which also evolves around the above things that we highlighted.
This is also the part of every difficult conversation which is most difficult as this is also the part where we will find it difficult to reach an agreement and which is the primary reason why these conversations become difficult.
- The feelings part of the conversation
A lot of us are skilled in projecting ourselves as experts in managing each difficult conversation without letting our emotions effecting our thought process or the way we communicate our thoughts. While some of us would be good in maybe not showing out our emotions for the opposite person to see and make out the feelings part will affect each one of us as we proceed with these conversations.
In every such conversations there are these feelings which come up before and after some of which are listed below like
Are my feelings valid? Appropriate?
Should I acknowledge or deny them? Put them on the table or keep them out of the conversation?
What are the other persons feelings? Anger or hurt?
- The identity conversation
This is the conversation that we have with ourselves. We debate with ourselves whether the way we did the conversation shows us as being competent or incompetent, good, or bad, and how it would affect our future and our wellbeing. Our answers to these questions determine in large part how we feel during the conversation whether we are feeling balanced or anxious.
No matter how skilled we are there will always be some challenges that we face in each of the three conversations that we cannot change. We will each have some information which the other person is not aware of, or there would be emotionally charged situations which we hadn’t anticipated for etc. The only think that we can change is the way we respond to each of these challenges. And the better way to go about it is to understand these errors and segregate them in some of our earlier difficult conversations which will give us a better understanding about each of these errors in better detail.
Will be covering each of these three parts of the difficult conversation in detail in subsequent articles.To continue understanding more about each of these errors do subscribe to my LinkedIn newsletter Rejo’s Biz Bytes and visit my website www.rejofrancis.com.
